In Iowa, it is illegal to sodomize oneself with a traffic cone without proper headgear. Safety first!
“I swear to god, that is the last time we’re inviting Oksana to dinner,” Jane said. “Did you see what she did to the asparagus?”
Harold couldn’t imagine what had gotten into Lisa. She was acting like there was something wrong with building their house on top of an old cemetery.
(via janadefipics)
“It’s okay,” Tina told him. “Sometimes when I sit naked on a cheap shag rug and forget to take my sneakers off, I cry semen.”
When airport security told her she didn’t have to take her pants down for the inspection, Heidi was confused.
It wasn’t his fault he hadn’t realized Betty had been abducted by aliens and replaced with a robot clone, Henry thought. He just thought she was on her period.
“No no,” Jenny said. “This is a special occasion- there’s a dick in the wall. Can you make my hair express surprise? Yeah, like Rod Stewart, if he were standing next to a wall-dick.”
“Hey, why are all my socks missing?” Hank asked.
“And my shirts?” Jim added.
“It must be that crazy bitch who keeps coming in here and pretending she’s a football player.” Ed sighed. Next time he was seriously going to have her arrested.
